Mr. Pitiful
09-30-2004, 11:53 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This is going to sound unbelievable, but you are going to spend the weekend cleaning up your room... yikes, what could sound more awful than that??? Don’t worry, you will have your quota of fun as you gorge on fungus coated chocolates and discover the joy of wearing two socks that actually match!!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be asked by aliens, to save their race from annihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. If you refuse, they will annihilate you on the spot. Really something to look forward to…don’t you think?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It was sad when grandpa died, but down in his basement there's a rare 78-rpm recording that could fetch a quarter-million dollars on E-Bay. Who knew I'm a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank on the Streets of Yokohama with My Honolulu Mama Doing those Beat-O, Beat-O, Flat-On-My-Seat-O Hirohito Blues could be such a treasure?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacle sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You want to float a new dot com company huh? One that offers more than 10 mb of space for mail, 20 different chat channels and a whole section devoted to cricket?? Wow! Sounds exciting!!! Go ahead and may I suggest the name- another dot.com .com dot came...what a drag org!!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
:D
This is going to sound unbelievable, but you are going to spend the weekend cleaning up your room... yikes, what could sound more awful than that??? Don’t worry, you will have your quota of fun as you gorge on fungus coated chocolates and discover the joy of wearing two socks that actually match!!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be asked by aliens, to save their race from annihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars. If you refuse, they will annihilate you on the spot. Really something to look forward to…don’t you think?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It was sad when grandpa died, but down in his basement there's a rare 78-rpm recording that could fetch a quarter-million dollars on E-Bay. Who knew I'm a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank on the Streets of Yokohama with My Honolulu Mama Doing those Beat-O, Beat-O, Flat-On-My-Seat-O Hirohito Blues could be such a treasure?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacle sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You want to float a new dot com company huh? One that offers more than 10 mb of space for mail, 20 different chat channels and a whole section devoted to cricket?? Wow! Sounds exciting!!! Go ahead and may I suggest the name- another dot.com .com dot came...what a drag org!!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will mosey, this week. There's nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it's occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you'll soon begin work on "Mosey Your Way To Fitness", a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
:D