Mr. Pitiful
10-01-2004, 10:44 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
I foresee a bleak future for you, surrounded by darkness that has plagued humanity, since the beginning of time. You will be plunged into an abyss - yes, total darkness! On the other hand...quit worrying, you may just experience a blackout for 15 minutes between 3 pm -5 pm.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard, while humming to the tune of “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, aha he he, ….To the Funny Farm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, a few garlic heads around your neck also. although I'm not sure why.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone named Mundo is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. So don’t argue or complain, Cash or Plastic?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses and taste the wine girl. while there's still time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Also be nice to your boyfriend for a change, remember…girls can fake orgasms but boys can fake a whole relation.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, contemplating the idea of piercing your lower lip and placing a Compact Disk in it, (gimme a break) you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy, and revenge.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Give it up, man. Last issue’s JAM folio cutie will never reply back. Stop sending her all your sorry pathetic loved-soaked letters. They won’t get answered.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, especially metal heads, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them “what do I look like? A city map?“ or just tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till you hit the Milky Way. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Scotty." It's something to do with the Beam me Up thing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "M." will make sure of that. Moon? Maynard? Dunno. Someone like that. M. un-do, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
:D
I foresee a bleak future for you, surrounded by darkness that has plagued humanity, since the beginning of time. You will be plunged into an abyss - yes, total darkness! On the other hand...quit worrying, you may just experience a blackout for 15 minutes between 3 pm -5 pm.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard, while humming to the tune of “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, aha he he, ….To the Funny Farm
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, a few garlic heads around your neck also. although I'm not sure why.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone named Mundo is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid. So don’t argue or complain, Cash or Plastic?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses and taste the wine girl. while there's still time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Also be nice to your boyfriend for a change, remember…girls can fake orgasms but boys can fake a whole relation.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, contemplating the idea of piercing your lower lip and placing a Compact Disk in it, (gimme a break) you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy, and revenge.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Give it up, man. Last issue’s JAM folio cutie will never reply back. Stop sending her all your sorry pathetic loved-soaked letters. They won’t get answered.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, especially metal heads, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them “what do I look like? A city map?“ or just tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till you hit the Milky Way. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Scotty." It's something to do with the Beam me Up thing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "M." will make sure of that. Moon? Maynard? Dunno. Someone like that. M. un-do, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
:D