Mr. Pitiful
10-06-2004, 11:23 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine and your rubber duckie. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing. But the Doctor will have some fun
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)Unexpected Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. Except the real Doctors of course.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, bacteria and fungus, and you won‘t have to go to far. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to know.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr. Shiver me Timbers,” Don’t worry it’s just your next door neighbor at it again. Please tell him, he in no way comes near to resemble Johnny Depp.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, and starting the conversion with “ ah one and ah two” always do the trick for me.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to avoid pickled herring or to pick on Harry.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, Mundorishnik, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
:D
Some words of wisdom from the wise 1
;) .
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)Unexpected Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you. Except the real Doctors of course.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, bacteria and fungus, and you won‘t have to go to far. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to know.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr. Shiver me Timbers,” Don’t worry it’s just your next door neighbor at it again. Please tell him, he in no way comes near to resemble Johnny Depp.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, and starting the conversion with “ ah one and ah two” always do the trick for me.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to avoid pickled herring or to pick on Harry.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be visited by creatures named Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth, Shub-Niggurath, Yog-Sothoth, Ithaqua, Tsathoggua, Dagon, Mundorishnik, and Bert. You will discover that all of them have atrocious table manners.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
:D
Some words of wisdom from the wise 1
;) .
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.