Mr. Pitiful
10-08-2004, 09:57 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “ State Representative, Dept. of The Posterior", or Secretary of Horny Individuals Team, S**T for short, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. And forbidden to read.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line, while making snorting sounds and saying feed me, please, feed me.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will break all the resolutions you made for this year, and you will grin. And say to yourself,” I told you so, but no you wouldn’t listen.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. They are definitely hazardous to your health, and can cause idiotic behavior in humans. Oooops, to late.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? Goodbye, nice knowing you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
ALRIGHT!! Enough is enough…Today will be the day when the straw will break the camel’s back. You can only stand so much of insults to your person. You will not stand being told that you have Camel toes anymore. Next thing they’ll say is that you have Camel lips too. Fight back. Defend yourself, report it to the Humane Society for abusive behaviour .
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your hands. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more fingers, either.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch, and a soybean shake.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice and Brat.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
:D
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “ State Representative, Dept. of The Posterior", or Secretary of Horny Individuals Team, S**T for short, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand. And forbidden to read.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line, while making snorting sounds and saying feed me, please, feed me.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will break all the resolutions you made for this year, and you will grin. And say to yourself,” I told you so, but no you wouldn’t listen.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today. They are definitely hazardous to your health, and can cause idiotic behavior in humans. Oooops, to late.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? Goodbye, nice knowing you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
ALRIGHT!! Enough is enough…Today will be the day when the straw will break the camel’s back. You can only stand so much of insults to your person. You will not stand being told that you have Camel toes anymore. Next thing they’ll say is that you have Camel lips too. Fight back. Defend yourself, report it to the Humane Society for abusive behaviour .
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your hands. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more fingers, either.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch, and a soybean shake.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice and Brat.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
:D