englishman in new york
10-31-2004, 11:56 AM
this is easily the best joke i've ever heard, but i must warn you, its rather long. It's definately worth it thouhgh, enjoy.
This man was at the fair, waiting for his girlfriend to arrive. Looking at his watch he saw that he was about 5 minutes early, so he decided to kill the time by going to see the fortune-teller. He wasn’t really impressed as for £5 all she did was look at his palms, gaze into her crystal ball, and look at random tarot cards, letting out the occasional ‘hmmm’. Finally losing his patience, he asks her what she sees for him. She scribbled a couple of sentences on a piece of paper, making sure he could not read what she was writing, folded the paper up, handed it to him and said “Do not read this until you are about to die.” He was slightly confused but thought nothing of it, so he put the paper in his pocket and looked at his watch. Seeing that he was now late he hurried out of the fortune-teller’s tent and met up with his girlfriend.
When he found his girlfriend, now really annoyed at him, he explained that he was early so he went to see the fortune-teller. She didn’t believe him so he got out the folded piece of paper and told her what the fortune-teller had said. His girlfriend grabbed the paper and said, “well can I have a look at it then, she didn’t say that nobody else could read it, did she?” “Well I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” he said, so she unfolded the paper and read it. When she finished she folded the paper up, shoved it into his chest and slapped him around the face. “I never want to see you again you *******, I’m taking my stuff out of your flat and leaving for good. We’re finished!” He couldn’t believe it, she stormed off towards the bus stop and he was left standing there with this piece of paper. He was devastated and didn’t want to stay anywhere near the fair so he decided to go to the pub and drown his sorrows.
After several pints, and getting towards closing time, the barman decided to see what was wrong with him. “I can’t believe it,” he said, “one minute I’m getting on fine with my girlfriend, the next minute she slaps me and dumps me.”
“Come on, surely she didn’t dump you for no reason,” the barman said
“Well I can’t think of anything, she just dumped me after reading this piece of paper that the fortune-teller gave me”
“And what’s so bad about this piece of paper?”
“I really don’t know, she told me not to read it until I’m about to die”
“Well can I read it?” asks the barman
“Okay then, it can’t do any more damage than it has one already”
So he hands the paper to the barman who unfolds it and reads it. He throws the paper back at the man and shouts “Alright, get out of my pub, I don’t want to see you around here no more!” With this the man picks up the paper and staggers outside.
He strolls back to his flat where he is welcomed by his landlord, who looks very concerned. “I’m sorry but your partner came here earlier, threw loads of stuff out the window and left with several bags and suitcases, there’s hardly anything left in your flat.” The man jus takes a seat on the doorstep and starts crying. “What’s up mate, was the break up that bad?” the landlord asks. “No, it’s not just that, since I saw the fortune-teller earlier, nothing good has happened, my girlfriend dumped me, I got barred from the local pub, and now this.”
“Why, what happened at the fortune-teller’s?”
“Well she gave me this piece of paper and told me not to read it until I’m about to die”
“Can I read it?” he asks,
“Go on then, I just don’t care anymore” so he gives the piece of paper to his landlord who proceeds to read it.
When he’s finished he gives it back to him and tells him “I’m not surprised your girlfriend did this, get away from my flat, I expect the rest of this months rent by the end of the moth, I’ll throw the rest of your stuff out to you asshole!”
He was horrified, he had nowhere to stay, all he had was a load of clothes thrown into a pile outside his flat, and his car. Not being in any state to drive he just went to sleep in his car.
part 2 is seperate because apparently my joke is too long.
This man was at the fair, waiting for his girlfriend to arrive. Looking at his watch he saw that he was about 5 minutes early, so he decided to kill the time by going to see the fortune-teller. He wasn’t really impressed as for £5 all she did was look at his palms, gaze into her crystal ball, and look at random tarot cards, letting out the occasional ‘hmmm’. Finally losing his patience, he asks her what she sees for him. She scribbled a couple of sentences on a piece of paper, making sure he could not read what she was writing, folded the paper up, handed it to him and said “Do not read this until you are about to die.” He was slightly confused but thought nothing of it, so he put the paper in his pocket and looked at his watch. Seeing that he was now late he hurried out of the fortune-teller’s tent and met up with his girlfriend.
When he found his girlfriend, now really annoyed at him, he explained that he was early so he went to see the fortune-teller. She didn’t believe him so he got out the folded piece of paper and told her what the fortune-teller had said. His girlfriend grabbed the paper and said, “well can I have a look at it then, she didn’t say that nobody else could read it, did she?” “Well I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” he said, so she unfolded the paper and read it. When she finished she folded the paper up, shoved it into his chest and slapped him around the face. “I never want to see you again you *******, I’m taking my stuff out of your flat and leaving for good. We’re finished!” He couldn’t believe it, she stormed off towards the bus stop and he was left standing there with this piece of paper. He was devastated and didn’t want to stay anywhere near the fair so he decided to go to the pub and drown his sorrows.
After several pints, and getting towards closing time, the barman decided to see what was wrong with him. “I can’t believe it,” he said, “one minute I’m getting on fine with my girlfriend, the next minute she slaps me and dumps me.”
“Come on, surely she didn’t dump you for no reason,” the barman said
“Well I can’t think of anything, she just dumped me after reading this piece of paper that the fortune-teller gave me”
“And what’s so bad about this piece of paper?”
“I really don’t know, she told me not to read it until I’m about to die”
“Well can I read it?” asks the barman
“Okay then, it can’t do any more damage than it has one already”
So he hands the paper to the barman who unfolds it and reads it. He throws the paper back at the man and shouts “Alright, get out of my pub, I don’t want to see you around here no more!” With this the man picks up the paper and staggers outside.
He strolls back to his flat where he is welcomed by his landlord, who looks very concerned. “I’m sorry but your partner came here earlier, threw loads of stuff out the window and left with several bags and suitcases, there’s hardly anything left in your flat.” The man jus takes a seat on the doorstep and starts crying. “What’s up mate, was the break up that bad?” the landlord asks. “No, it’s not just that, since I saw the fortune-teller earlier, nothing good has happened, my girlfriend dumped me, I got barred from the local pub, and now this.”
“Why, what happened at the fortune-teller’s?”
“Well she gave me this piece of paper and told me not to read it until I’m about to die”
“Can I read it?” he asks,
“Go on then, I just don’t care anymore” so he gives the piece of paper to his landlord who proceeds to read it.
When he’s finished he gives it back to him and tells him “I’m not surprised your girlfriend did this, get away from my flat, I expect the rest of this months rent by the end of the moth, I’ll throw the rest of your stuff out to you asshole!”
He was horrified, he had nowhere to stay, all he had was a load of clothes thrown into a pile outside his flat, and his car. Not being in any state to drive he just went to sleep in his car.
part 2 is seperate because apparently my joke is too long.