Mr. Pitiful
11-03-2004, 11:35 PM
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
:D
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally. Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
:D