jonrice
08-30-2005, 12:57 PM
Read more from my blog here! http://www.thelooneys.com/blogs/rice/default.aspx
The John Roberts interview:
Thanks to an exclusive fictitious interview with John Roberts, I am glad to say that we at thelooneys.com have at last uncovered his position on almost all of the key issues that are likely to face the Supreme Court over the next thirty years or so. Whilst his arguments were deep, meaningful, and sung in a quasi-soprano voice that reminded one of Michael Jackson as one of the Jackson 5, we have abridged the interview so as to be intelligible to even the most ornery voter.
thelooneys.com: Judge Roberts, abortion is a hot-button issue with the American electorate. Where do you stand?
Judge Roberts: Well, my wife is a prominent anti-choice proponent and let’s face it, I’d be in deep doo-doo if I told her I was coming back late from the ‘Bar Association Meeting’ AND I thought that fetuses deserved all they got. So frankly, I reserve the right to drink heavily and do whatever Antonin Scalia would do.
thelooneys.com: Canada has legalized gay marriage, Spain has legalized gay marriage, heck – Massachussets has legalized gay marriage. Do you think that the march of progress has made a constitutional amendment an anachronism before it’s even happened?
Judge Roberts: You listen to me, and you listen good. Gayism, if that is a word, is a disease. We need to find a cure, not teach our children how to be gay. Hold on, what are you writing? You’re saying I’m anti-gay, why are you saying that? That’s just not fair. Actually, I’ve done serious and benevolent pro bono work on behalf of gay organizations. You can look if up if you don’t believe me. Google ‘Good work John Roberts has done for queers’, it’s all there.
thelooneys.com: Damn, what’s it come to when a blinkered liberal has to give a shout out for all the conservative judiciary out there, let me hear you say ho-oh. Good job, Your Honor. How about immigration?
Judge Roberts: When I see a fresh, new wetback with a gleam in his eyes and a sponge in his hand, it just about makes me cry I tell you. Decent, hardworking people from south of the border are always welcome in our promised land. But step out of line and believe me, sonny boy, you’re headed back to Tijuana with a Spanish flea in your ear before you can say Hold The Pickles.
thelooneys.com: Medicare is undergoing huge changes, and Medicaid is – if you listen to administration rhetoric – at risk from greedy lawyers who secure massive payouts against the healthcare industry for their own personal gain. If this issue comes before the Court, what will you say?
Judge Roberts: First and foremost, the administration doesn’t give a hoot or a holler about medical law payouts. They just said they did to annoy that pretty boy lawyer who ran with John Kerry. Edwards, I think his name was. Secondly, old people don’t really interest me that much, which is why I plan to have Rehnquist surgically removed from the court upon my confirmation. And pharmaceutical companies should concentrate on making drugs MORE attainable, if you ask me. Especially the good ones. Wink wink.
thelooneys.com: Finally, the separation of Church and State has reared its ugly head once more. Do you feel that the constitution is being effectively interpreted by the current Court?
Judge Roberts: I’m in favor of prayer in schools, the Pledge of Allegiance, the reciting of Sylvia Plath poetry at recess to calm down all those little buggers with ADD, the exorcism of poltergeists by the reading of Dannielle Steele prose at regular intervals, and the expectoration of nasal fluid in libraries.
thelooneys.com: Thank you for your frank and candid responses to our questions. We are sure you’ll make a makeweight Supreme Court Justice.
Judge Roberts: Thank you for having me. If you ever get in trouble for accidentally advocating the wholesale abandonment of the Geneva Convention, let me know – I’m an expert in getting people off the hook for that one.
The John Roberts interview:
Thanks to an exclusive fictitious interview with John Roberts, I am glad to say that we at thelooneys.com have at last uncovered his position on almost all of the key issues that are likely to face the Supreme Court over the next thirty years or so. Whilst his arguments were deep, meaningful, and sung in a quasi-soprano voice that reminded one of Michael Jackson as one of the Jackson 5, we have abridged the interview so as to be intelligible to even the most ornery voter.
thelooneys.com: Judge Roberts, abortion is a hot-button issue with the American electorate. Where do you stand?
Judge Roberts: Well, my wife is a prominent anti-choice proponent and let’s face it, I’d be in deep doo-doo if I told her I was coming back late from the ‘Bar Association Meeting’ AND I thought that fetuses deserved all they got. So frankly, I reserve the right to drink heavily and do whatever Antonin Scalia would do.
thelooneys.com: Canada has legalized gay marriage, Spain has legalized gay marriage, heck – Massachussets has legalized gay marriage. Do you think that the march of progress has made a constitutional amendment an anachronism before it’s even happened?
Judge Roberts: You listen to me, and you listen good. Gayism, if that is a word, is a disease. We need to find a cure, not teach our children how to be gay. Hold on, what are you writing? You’re saying I’m anti-gay, why are you saying that? That’s just not fair. Actually, I’ve done serious and benevolent pro bono work on behalf of gay organizations. You can look if up if you don’t believe me. Google ‘Good work John Roberts has done for queers’, it’s all there.
thelooneys.com: Damn, what’s it come to when a blinkered liberal has to give a shout out for all the conservative judiciary out there, let me hear you say ho-oh. Good job, Your Honor. How about immigration?
Judge Roberts: When I see a fresh, new wetback with a gleam in his eyes and a sponge in his hand, it just about makes me cry I tell you. Decent, hardworking people from south of the border are always welcome in our promised land. But step out of line and believe me, sonny boy, you’re headed back to Tijuana with a Spanish flea in your ear before you can say Hold The Pickles.
thelooneys.com: Medicare is undergoing huge changes, and Medicaid is – if you listen to administration rhetoric – at risk from greedy lawyers who secure massive payouts against the healthcare industry for their own personal gain. If this issue comes before the Court, what will you say?
Judge Roberts: First and foremost, the administration doesn’t give a hoot or a holler about medical law payouts. They just said they did to annoy that pretty boy lawyer who ran with John Kerry. Edwards, I think his name was. Secondly, old people don’t really interest me that much, which is why I plan to have Rehnquist surgically removed from the court upon my confirmation. And pharmaceutical companies should concentrate on making drugs MORE attainable, if you ask me. Especially the good ones. Wink wink.
thelooneys.com: Finally, the separation of Church and State has reared its ugly head once more. Do you feel that the constitution is being effectively interpreted by the current Court?
Judge Roberts: I’m in favor of prayer in schools, the Pledge of Allegiance, the reciting of Sylvia Plath poetry at recess to calm down all those little buggers with ADD, the exorcism of poltergeists by the reading of Dannielle Steele prose at regular intervals, and the expectoration of nasal fluid in libraries.
thelooneys.com: Thank you for your frank and candid responses to our questions. We are sure you’ll make a makeweight Supreme Court Justice.
Judge Roberts: Thank you for having me. If you ever get in trouble for accidentally advocating the wholesale abandonment of the Geneva Convention, let me know – I’m an expert in getting people off the hook for that one.